Saturday, July 25, 2009

To watch "Doo" or take a Doo: Reasons for why Scooby sucks (in more than one way)

When riding home with a friend one evening, I came across a query that has hounded me since the early days of my youth: Why does Scooby Doo suck so much? Here, we discuss through a question and answer session, the possible reasons for the suckage and problems with the Scooby Doo series. Enjoy.

First off, why do the backgrounds never change?

The answer lies in the fact that the main characters are able to talk to a dog. They are all super high, therefore time and space go really fucking slow, so when they run, they are really only running a few feet even though they think they are running through a whole house.

Oh come on! What's the real reason?

Ok, I will let you in on the trade secret. The producer is a straight up jew about money. You heard me. He doesn't want to pay the artists to draw more than absolutely necessary, so he makes them draw one back drop, and then uses his jew powers to make it appear over and over again throughout the chase scene.
Plus the artists were probably high!

Okay. How come Scooby and Shaggy are always going on their own and Fred is left with the two girls(even though one is totally a disgusting nerd) and we never see what happens with them?

Well, seeing as how Fred is obviously a 30 year old pedophile hanging out with high school girls, he manipulates his retarded friend, shaggy, to hang out with the dog, while he goes off and has kinky ghost threesomes with the two females in the group. Fred is only human, so we mustn't blame him for his fondness for girls and being alone with them.

Wait wait wait... I thought Fred always seemed gay to me.. I guess that was just my interpretation.

Once again, the answer lies with the age of Fred. You see, Fred is old enough to realize that high school girls have a thing for gay guys and scary things, so he conveniently looks homosexual and hunts ghosts. It is all part of his sick scheme to seduce under aged women.

Oh! That explains a lot!
Well what the fuck is the point of fuckin' Scrappy Doo? Do dogs really keep in touch!?! Come on! He has to be the most annoying character in television history! He makes Spongebob look like Eeyore from Winnie-the-Pooh! And that's saying a lot!

Scrappy was brought on to portray a side-kick type character and to add some much needed juice to a failing show. But unlike Robin, Scrappy Doo was not a complex, and awesome boy character, he was not even a boy. He was a fucking stunted mentally challenged puppy. He ruined what was left of Scooby Doo. And as for the question of whether dogs keep in touch, I think the logic behind that was that if "the gang" smoked enough pot to speak to one dog, why couldn't they smoke enough to speak with its' cousin? And the next step was, if we can speak to Scooby AND his cousin, why couldn't Scooby speak to his cousin directly? And so, if Scooby CAN keep in touch with his cousin, he obviously would because let's face it, Scooby is one fucking sociable dog. Thus you get an annoying little piece of shit calling himself a dog prancing around on the show and pissing off the world. Thankfully, someone realized this and organized a live action movie to kill the fucker off!

So, in the world of Scooby Doo, in the end the ghosts and goblins and shit all end up being pissed off people right?


So if at the end of all the episodes it is just Old Man Jenkins or Crazy Pete, why is "the gang" able to live in the same universe as Batman?

Easy. Batman may live in the same universe, but he lives in Gotham City. Scooby and "the gang" live in the podunk town of Coolsville. They solve podunk cases and stop countless insane people who think that dressing up as monsters is a great way to commit crimes. I think that this can be explained easily if Coolsville happened to be near an insane asylum, which Gotham City happens to have on the far west side of town, leading me to believe that Coolsville lies just a few hours outside of Gotham's city limits. This would also explain how Batman would even get involved with a bunch of meddling kids and their retarded dog. I think that Batman's villains got tired of getting their asses kicked so they went out to prey on the weak country side. Little did they know that Scooby was there to fuck them up. So in conclusion, Scooby Doo is allowed to live in the same universe because the town that he lives in is filled with insane people which means an insane asylum must be nearby which means that they must live just outside of Gotham City.

Okay? You seem to have thought this out. Do you like Scooby Doo or something?

Do you like to suck dick or something?

I was just thinking that actually... Not actually sucking dick! Well kinda. Is it a coincidence that "sucking dick" has the same initials as Scooby Doo?

That is a question that most people have asked in their lives I believe. And the reason why, is actually because Scooby Doo invented dick sucking. Yeah, weird right? Do you remember how we talked earlier about how Fred always goes off alone with the girls and Shaggy goes off alone with Scooby? Well, both parties are basically doing the same thing: engaging in kinky ghost shit. But the real question is whether Shaggy blew Scooby or Scooby blew Shaggy? We may never know, but what we do know is that at some point along the way, the idea of putting male genitalia in ones mouth came about. Scooby and Shaggy then came up with the code term for their sinful activity as "SD" for "Scooby Dooing," but after realizing the market value of such an idea, and the consequences that is could have for their show, they hastily changed the initials to mean "Sucking Dick" instead. Later, after the show was cancelled, Scooby and Shaggy decided to Patent their invention, and to this day, Sucking Dick is under the legal ownership of Scooby and Shaggy, Patent Number 6660000.

Part 2 coming soon!

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Friday, July 24, 2009